In My Own Words…

hello & greetings from wangsa maju…

no, its not my house

nor a starbucks or any other establishments offering free wifi

but weirdly true, my office. yes, i have been working for the past 6 months in a well known establishment/group organisation called the company. (no, its not actually called the company but i wanted to make it sound like something out of a sci fi action movie!) i am deeply sorry for my long absence but as you know, or dont know, i created a new blog which is — adoseofperspective.blogspot.com. sadly, the blog didnt have much of a following. (i wonder why??)

on to today’s post, which carries the main issue of patience that come out of age. the brief version is, i was a hot head during my young years which pretty much stayed the same right up until i graduated high school. maturity came shortly after as i soon realised i was not the center of the universe, & no, not everything goes my way. but what truly tought me patience was my passion for basketball. the only thing i stuck with for the past 13 years. i guess you could say that me & basketball have quite a history! unlike most of my relationships which ends as quick as it starts.

basketball for me, started with a love hate kind of relationship. & i didnt improve or grow as quick because i didnt have the patience, understanding & maturity to really master the artform. (yes, majority of sports are considered art!) nevertheless, i stuck with it until today.

i just got back from manjong perak. there, held the 14th MABA/petronas non chinese basketball tournament. it was my third year straight as a participant. this year grew to be a promising year for me as i was selected to play for selangor (because of the absence of many young talented players who could not commit due to personal reasons. how lucky am i there?) even so, i trained & commited anyway i can to prove myself. anyway, i didnt get too play much but i learned a whole lot more than i would have if i played with a different team.

knowing that i could of aqcuired more playing time, or became the starting five, or even a star point guard, didnt irritate me, or made me retaliate, or back talk about management & politics which in a way, are just excuses for my weakness as a player & as a person. but it actually made me more hungry than ever to become the best that i could be & with that said, become someone more complete in a overall point of view.

in just one short week, i learnt the values of being in a team & friendship & responsibility. i learnt that being patient & proffesional is more important than being in the spotlight. i learnt that not everyone is perfect & not everyone is what they seem. i learnt that the best way to be on top is to work your way to it, & to maintain being on top, you have to work even harder.

taking yourself for granted is the real crime, especially knowing that deep down, everybody’s a winner, everybody’s talented, everybody can make something of themselves.

back to the main point, as i look back, i see that somehow everything that happened based on decision was very specific & precise & planned out to become what we call the present & followed by the future determined based on what we do about the present.(takdir as muslims call it)

—-i just read back what i wrote, & i dont understand a thing!! haha.. but i hope you get the emotional message behind this piece—-

i guess what im trying to say is that if the same thing happened to me but a few years earlier, i wouldnt end up like this (this meaning positive minded & always looking for improvment!). so.. there you go! patience & maturity that comes through age!

owh, & btw, i placed 2nd in the dribble skills competition!!

hi one and all…

yes, its been a while..

no, im not that busy..

yes, i’ve been working out.. hitting the gym.. gagaga.. kidding!

so, moral huh? what about it? well in my opinion, wheather it matters or not, is that moral is conscience… its one’s action based on thought of consequences of that action.. right or wrong is only varified by one’s belief..

so i guess it all comes down to faith…and belief…

we have more than enough guidlines that take us to the path of rightousness but it is up to us wheather to follow them or not…

and yes, to help ‘encourage’ oneself to take the path of rightousness, one’s most feared and unimmaginable punishment are told to befall upon thos who do not comply accordingly…

but if so, why are ‘we’ still defiant of the almighty’s will? aren’t we affraid? or do we not believe? do we not want forgiveness and blessings… and a worthy life and afterlife?

well here’s what i think…

if fear is to challenge the ego of man, than one should not be affraid, but actually be brave enough to acknowledge the truth… further more, one should base all actions in hand on the awareness towards total faith in the truth…

so lets say, it’s morally proper to hmm… say, help those in need of help, but is it also morally correct to help those in need of help, but with personal gain attached? personal gain meaning, in terms of gaining popularity and power, which in the long run, leads to an elevated placement within the heirarchy of the world’s great political influences… and eventually creating a better world, in the name of the truth… which in today’s world, is very, very, very, very difficult to be entirely certain of?

hmm… i wonder…

mirror mirror on the wall…

         whose the fairest of them all?

i looked at myself into the mirror, a regularity for me, as common an act as brushing my teeth or waking up with a sore cough every morning from previous night’s cigarettes. but unlike most times, this wasn’t a gesture of vanity, but more of a deep look, one that you normally get when your brain suddenly wakes up & kicks into overdrive & suddenly you’re caught in a trance between thought & reality… a deep look at the fragile outer layer, the armored skin covering my inner feelings & emotions & thought from the "surrounding concept" which feeds on our perceptive thoughts & actions… & what i see in the mirror was abnormalities… minor defects on specific details… nose is slightly too big… disproportionate skeletal structure… have a slightly extruded chin, perhaps… & many more as perceived by me & other people who base their opinion on knowledge which was fed to them by a "concept"… a concept built or created by profiling, categorizing, dividing, discriminating at what is different from each other.

normal…

what is normal? it’s as subjective as special? big or small? … answer commonly found in comparison to it’s relative… & what is different than "normal" considered special? or otherwise..?  i was raised to believe that god created us the way we are for a reason, & that we are all part of a minor plan, inside a larger one just like nature’s circle of life or the food chain…where everything is predetermined as interpreted by us . i also believe that we (humans) are as close to perfect as created by the all mighty. & on that note, aren’t we all… normal? & by being normal, doesnt mean we arent special.

the problem…

a concept.. "identification of specification" being misinterpreted due to the human behavioural pattern… a pattern invisible to the naked eye, because the eyes see what the brain tells them to see,& the brain reacts to knowledge & surrounding, & in a world where everything is visualy discriminated…by minute details & specific aesthetic attributes, the brain can easily precieve normality to be that of vain & vague… how sad, how shallow, how narrow the brains of many…

mirror mirror on the wall…

         i am normal, afterall!

First and foremost, to the people who find their self-esteem low and always consider themselves down on their luck and their only solution to finding the slightest hint of enjoyment to their miserable lives is by reading my blog, sorry!! sorry for not having time and convenience to drown in my own imagination of what’s done, doing and gonna do with my so called ‘wonderful and planned out life’. sorry for not composing synical or detailed literate images of basketball and the pleasures it brings to myself and many others.

second of all, this is not your average mrFakrulHakam blog, but a special independant edition enlisting all the things i willingly, for certain emotional and psychological reasons, admit that i am sorry for!

sorry ma for not being the son, all dear mothers could only wish for in a child. sorry for not being the ’smart’ one! sorry for being rude.. rude with a touch of blissful arrogance combined with an enormous hot headed rage, where the slightest mishap or misunderstanding or disagreement, would make me erupt wildly. sorry pa for being weak, lame and gurlish. i was, back then, as much a boy as sex crazed ’schlongless’ women wannabe’s from thailand, are men! (no offence to thailand though, vajiravudh rugby rocks!!). sorry pa for being complecent (as you would regularly say as a reminder of how much i’ve dissappointed you) and cocky instead of being reponsible and thankful.

sorry brothers and sister! with all the twisted things happening in the world today, a wild, carefree, aimless brother should be the least of your concern. affections lay low among the brotherhood and i hold the responsibility for the fights and quarrels (well.. only partially..most of the fighting were pretty much intentional! hehe) sorry for having to be the matured one as experience has tought me a lot more than you have! sorry for having to take care of myself more than you, caring for me. sorry for not cherishing all the wonderful years under one roof in a surrounding, somewhat a rainbow short of perfect, for there are few to mention, anyway.

sorry friends, boy or girl, for being a ‘he’s someone i knew once!’ type of friend. one of lousyness and carelessness. sorry for listening and giving a shoulder wherever needed for it was always in ‘MY’ best interset and not to any other! sorry for being a good listener, and as much as i despise myself for saying this, sorry for giving such useful and appropriate advise with impeccable timing and percision! sorry for not trusting the stories of truth and lies and decisions, as open as i am towards opinions and hurtful gestures however they may come, i’ve learned that trust should be expensive and mine’s worth a whole lot more than you can afford. sorry for being brave, brave enough to try, brave enough to step up when needed, brave enough to do what is right! sorry for being affraid, affraid of just what might! sorry for pretending, very much like acting in a spanish soap, where the world is my stage and the people in it, actors, actors who lie and pretend too, just to get involved or stay out of conflicts and relationships which in the end, someone eventually cries, gets injured, hospitalized or die.

sorry for verbal abusing! maybe you deserve it, maybe you dont (most of you do, by the way) .. but it’s become a habbit… more of a trend of which somehow can be understood by most cultures in this country which right now seems to be at peace, thank god! where as the entire world’s gone topsy turvey. where bombings and open gunfire are considered ‘trends’, cursing and fowl language must be like a,b,c’s in ‘troubled’ countries.

sorry for saying yes eventhough most of of the time it means ‘NO!! please don’t disturb me.. i don’t need this shit right now! just leave me alone’. sorry be being emotional most of the time, sorry for being sensitive.. sensitive to to every slightest sound, softest touch, mildest of smells.. sensitive to the least considerate of thoughts… hmm… just to sum up what i’ve actually written, sorry… sorry for just being me!

another day at the office… the only difference is that its actually saturday… ic ould be at home watching movies or hanging out with friends or even do what i enjoy most, which apparently happens to be basketball, but no.. i prefer to be here.. doing someone elses work so that they can become richer and get that bonus they’ve always wanted… conformists!! hahaha.. just kidding..
its kinda quiet here, though.. just the four of us and some ‘awie’ music which, by the way, isnt half bad! and even in the dullness that consumes this place, i realize that i dont actually miss my old lazy-ass life… i feel responsible… i feel more usefull… i feel like i’m a part of spomething and i play my part pretty well… no more drifting and floating here and there… going wherever the wind blows me… eventually the wind will just blow me back home!
…
u know,
i do believe that we all have our own calling,
but we ourselves determine it… destiny? i know true destiny is when you achieve peace and harmony and true towards faith and belief! im not a religious guy nor am i a saint, but i do know a thing or two. time’s run out!!… so litte of it remain… to repent a lifetime of sin!

A new born baby feels no fear.

This proves that fear does not exist in the human genome. it is more hormone related.

fear arises through the scenses & only felt after having knowledge regarding the subject.

for example, a teenage boy suffers from arachnaephobia (fear of spiders) only after having an episode involving an arachnid creature which traumatizes the boy, mentally. the episode might be of personal encounter, a very, very, very scary movie, or just a story well told from friends during a boyscout camping trip. Either way, the brain paints a mental picture of situations where spiders can actually injure or kill the boy, or simply just scaring sh*t out of him. 

coming to my next point, a persons’ behaviour or personality can determine the action & reaction he takes when encountered by his fears.

A cautious  and competent guy, will take proper precauition to evade his fears inclusive of him taking neccessary actions and dwelling into rational or superstitious beliefs.

The open, carefree, laid back wise-ass types are completely the opposite, as he knows his fear, knows where he might encounter, but takes less or none precautions to avoid it. this type usually deals with trouble  when faced with one.

religiously speaking,

god gave us rules to follow & punishments if disobeyed. such punishments are beyond any mortal fear & would scare the crap out of anyone just by listening to the stories of such torture.

such atrousity should be feared by all.

so, which one would you prefer to be?

the type who’s affraid of god? or the one waiting for god to knock on your door?

hi one & all…

as presumed, none are willing to read what i write, but that doesnt stop me from doing so.

so what is it that makes me keep doing such a-waste-of-time thing?

"expression"

psychologically, there are many ways to express feelings of hate, joy, compassion, quiry, admiration, anger, lust, etc..

among them are through conversation, action, behaviour & literacy.

literacy is most common expressed through scribbles and spontaneous notes of emotion, which sometimes, happen unconsiously or without intent.

for example, a simple scribble of the word "dammit!" can unravel the person’s inner thoughts and emotion during that moment, or about a particular event which took place during some other occassion but is reminded of that particular time by environmental factors.

here’sa simple way to help understand your inner actions and keep in touch with your emotions. keep track off everything you do!! look before you leap!! as many would say, & last but not least there’s always rational & logic to help sort things out!! brain power is the greatest power of all!! i plan to write longer for this post, but unfortunately im sick!! so just wait for the next one! adios!! 

what differs us from the many beings known..?is it our wits? our limbs and appendiges? va va voom! its our will! we have the luxury, or to some, the curse of free will! we have the freedom to choose our life’s neccessities and for that, we are different, liberal in our own way, liberal from any law or judgement, liberal from ourselves…this.. ‘unique’ ability of ours can in more than one way change our lives drastically.

i am a lazy guy… and yes, its been proven in the past. but i hate it! i hate the laziness that marinades within my flesh n bones that absorbs it’s way into the soul. but at the very edge of ‘lazy’ conquest, before the very minute it consumes me entirely, this sudden urge of power comes out of no where! enthusiastically, like the pheonix, i rise above the ashes of my ‘diseased condition’ to take on any undertakings headed my way! this power comes from sheer will! yes ladies, will!! women have it too, just so you know!! gagagagagagaga

hi boys and girls! i’m back with more short stories and anecdotes for the pleasure of the soul. strangely enough, i’ve been busy these past few months. Busy with responsibilities and priorities which i myself arranged according to sheer emotion and minimal thought. in doing so, i made my life more hectic than usual. it’s stressful most of the time, but it gives me satisfaction, a guilty pleasure of sorts. i chose to be this way, so why envy those with a more organised and planned out life? am i lost? and whilst trying to find my way, i get distracted by what i call the ‘fun’ factor. Or is it because i’m soooo self absorbed that my eagerness for attention has clouded my vision towards realty? perhaps it’s just my nature to complicate even the simplest of things.

i wonder….

lying has become my better half. most of the time i do it to cover up the me beneath. i lie to convince myself, otherwise. i tell tall tales just to overshadow my low self confidence and imperfections. the result of such behaviour: more than 20 years of skeletons in the closet.

in my quest for self discovery, i would like you all to be the audience, the witness, the jury to the premiere of my secrets.the closet is  about to open and skeletons in bare sight. An in-depth look to the life, lies, loves of mrFakrulHakam.

"Va Va VOOM!!"

you wish!!! im smart enough to like myself for just being me, so haters, FU*K OFF!! gagagagagagagaga

sitting infront of my friend’s desktop, inside his house, being somewhere im not supposed to, somewhere i never planned to be, i realized… it’s these types of situations that keep life interesting… well for me, its all about choice, what you choose, and what consequences that follow after… think before you act, these words were planted deep in my brain since i was 13 years old… to know now  how important and life changing those words are, keeps me wondering about my past decisions, and how they affect my environment… have i really learnt from my mistakes? or is it true that i am as stubborn as people say? carefree and not knowing the future can be fun and interesting, but it is never wrong to know what’s ahead of you and take proper precautions… think about it…